Royal Titles: How to get your own

IF YOU HAVE NO distinguished ancestors and your marriage prospects don't include a bevy of European aristocrats, do not lose heart. You can still acquire the social respect you deserve. Not entitled? Then buy one! Many English and Continental titles are available, and no, they do not care whether or not you have a particularly distinguished pedigree. A credit card will do quite nicely, thank you; just fill out the form online.

One website selling titles claims that people with titles, like blondes, do indeed have more fun. They are taken seriously in business, get the best seats in restaurants, upgrades on airlines, and earn more respect everywhere.

There are two types of titles for sale: effective and seated. Effective titles do not include land, while seated titles do.

Titles for sale include: Sir, Lord, Lady, Baron, Baroness, Count, Earl, Countess, Viscount, Viscountess, Marquess, Marchioness, among others. Effective titles can cost as little as $325, when purchased singularly, and $499 for couples seeking joint titles.

Seated titles cost more. One site sells them for $1,600. However, do not expect the proverbial vast estate overlooking a lake and rolling hills for that price. In fact, you might not be able to see your holdings without glasses. The site advises the land is "a token area" of the estate of the seller, Lady Sarah Helen Leeder of Dartmouth.

The only seated titles available are Lord and Lady. For example, if a couple named Smith bought the titles "Lord and Lady of Kensington," they would be known as Lord and Lady Smith of Kensington. Only seated titles may be inherited. These are pricier, costing from about $15,000 to over $160,000.

In addition, Lady Sarah is also selling bits of land in unnamed areas. Purchasers can buy one of these areas, give it a name, and create their very own individualized titles! Why waste any more time? Pay a call to the website, and then just sit back with a glass of your finest port, and watch those invitations roll in!